The Inescapable Peril of Co-Parenting (The series)

Each day I live on God’s green earth I understand Him a little better. I understand why it was intended for children to born into a home of marriage, not wedlock. I like to call wedlock a nice term for CONFUSION. Confusion is what one can expect when we do not play the game of life as it is intended to be played. Of course I know life isn't a game, however when dealing with children born of broken homes it seems as if parenting turns into a competition. Parenting can turn into a match about who did the most and vice versa. This occurs when one or both of the parties are bitter about the past, coupled with the “outsider’s” influence/opinions; a recipe for disaster.

In co-parenting a lot of confusion today is caused by the “outside”. The outside meaning others you DID NOT lay with to make that child that EVERYONE has something to say about. In my own life I have seen how the “outside” has poisoned my own relationship with my child. In my instance it’s an overbearing grandparent that has helped hinder a relationship instead of encouraging it. One should want better for their children and grandchildren.

Contrary to the belief of many ALL children deserve a father. All children that are the product of a broken home deserve to have their father, especially an active and willing father. However when the “outsiders” show up they bring up the past, they sow discord, they make it hard for the mother and father to establish a healthy bond for the sake of the child. Now I’m not speaking about the fathers that can’t be a part of their children’s lives due to legal situations or something beyond their current control. I am speaking of the father that wants to be a part but has a hard time due to the “OUTSIDE”. The “outside” are the ones saying, “Giirrrlll I would out him on child support he just bought a new car”. Or the men, “Man I would just leave her alone and move on to the next chick”. These are the people we all should listen to the least. A real friend, real family would be trying to encourage togetherness, peace and love for the sake of the child they claim to love so much.

We will talk more about this in the coming weeks. Today the message to us all is to limit the outside influence when it comes to co-parenting, raising our children. We need to seek God first, NOT each other. Last but certainly not least once you've sought God and found His peace in your situation DO as HE instructed us to do LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Yes, even that individual that wronged you. Yes, we must love that mother, that father even the grandmother that wronged us when it came down to our very own child.

Until next time…..

No One Told Me....

No one told me that my sweet baby was going to grow up and be a teenager. A teenager that knows everything yet knows nothing. No one told me that the very thing I told my teenager not to do she Would do. No one warned me that technology would advance to the point of my teenager knowing more about the Internet than me. I was using the Internet before they were born. No one told me that my child would still love to read useless content no matter how much I teach about knowledge.No one told me that my beautiful child's dress code would look more like she was auditioning for the latest punk band,not the college scholar I envisioned. No one told me that I was going to want to pull over and drop my child off at someone's grandmother's house so she can give the kid an old school beating like the one we got that was LEGAL. Oh well no one told me that I could possibly go to jail for trying discipline my child either. Well world what I AM here to tell you is this,as you can see you are not alone. Know that there are many of us who feel just like you do! So continue to be strong and press on. I promise you that the kid who knows everything yet knows nothing will thank you later on in life.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year To All

This is going to be a wonderful year, that I proclaim. The way you start your year has the potential to be the guide for your year. So please be mindful of how you have started 2013.

To my Fathers I believe WE as MEN will step up like never before. WE will do OUR part to ensure OUR children have the best possible chance at this life. WE will raise OUR boys to become MEN This Year!

To my mothers I thank you. WE SALUTE YOU! Life wouldn't be life without you. We got your back like never before this year. I believe it!!

Happy New Year!

Depression is Not an Option!

Beating the Holiday Blues Wow! Where has the year gone? It seems like just a few weeks ago we were celebrating the new year. So once again, millions are about to kick their minds and bodies into overdrive as the holiday season rapidly approaches, causing themselves a great deal of stress and strain.
Let’s face it, 2012 has not been a stellar year for the economy and job market. So your dollars (if there are any left) no longer have the buying power they once did. And for some of you men reading this, this is the very fact that will drive you into a deep depression – depressed because you can no longer provide the holidays for your children and family you once were accustomed to. I am sure you are already aware of the problems that can occur once depression sets in. Problems such alcoholism, physical and mental abuse, drug addiction, obesity and a host of other issues that depression brings out of people – especially men. Men suffer and deal with depression differently than women in some instances. According to recent studies, finances have been the main source of depression for men in the past decade.
During the holidays, I thoroughly understand what it feels like to want to shower your child(ren) with everything they want, yet you’re unable to. I too have been depressed because I could not provide a lot of fleeting material possessions to my children. I was only able to conquer the depression after my children shared with me a valuable lesson - a lesson I pondered on for quite some time; one that I share throughout the country when I speak.
Depression usually rears its ugly head during the holidays when we lose sight of what the time is really about. The holidays are a time of giving, sharing and reflecting. The holidays are about spreading love and cheer; creating new memories that will last beyond any gift you could buy.
You see not all gifts cost a lot of money, if any money at all. Some of the best gifts are made from scratch, straight from the heart; which brings me to my lesson, men. The lesson isn’t some major algebraic equation – it’s actually quite the opposite. To beat the holiday blues remember this: The greatest gift you can give your child is love. The second gift is the gift of time. You spend time with what and who you love. Best of all those two gifts are free.
So dads even if you have the money this holiday season, I encourage you to be creative, get your hands dirty and create something from your heart. The memory for your child(ren) as well as yourself will never be erased.
For those men unable to spend time with your child(ren) this holiday season, simply be honest and explain it to them. Children are more forgiving and understanding than we are. Write your child a letter, give them a call, make a card – whatever you have to do to make sure they understand you love them. Your love isn’t measured by the number of gifts you buy, but by the love you give.
‘Tis the season to be merry. Depression is not an option. Be encouraged my friends. Happy Holidays!

So Sad!

This blog entry steers clear of what I had planned on writing about this week. Speaking to a gentleman over the weekend I realized I needed to do something on behalf of him and his son. He shared some very alarming issues he is having with the mother of his son. The sad part is, she is using her own selfish desires to make the father suffer which in turn is making the father/son relationship difficult. Before you read on let me share this. This gentleman has not been with the mother since the child was a year old. The boy is 16 now! She has gone on to have multiple children(4) by multiple men(4) and receives child support from three of the four fathers. I guess the fourth will have to pay up soon!

I am all for the child support system IF the father is NOT making any effort to care for his child on a CONSISTENT basis. However many women use the system as a way to get revenge on the man due to their failed relationship. Some even use the court system like a job, meaning they need that check to fund their own lifestyle The child doesn't see the money at all. In this man's particular situation the child sees a few dollars. However the mom doesn't know what she spends and from which father because three payments are direct deposit to a child support debit card. The child has no college fund, no savings account,nothing beneficial to his future.

Now the gentleman I am speaking of contacted my organization fatherhoodmattersinc.com to ask my advice. We spoke for hours about his situation. He even played me their recorded conversation. I was shocked, stunned and appalled by what I heard. The mother of his son BLOCKED the dad's number from their phone so he cannot talk to him. He has no contact with a son he spoke to on a daily basis. The reason for this was because the father broke down and told his 16yr. old son that he didn't have the money to pay for something that he was notified about at the last minute. The father proceeded to tell his son his current financial situation. He explained that throughout the years he has spent his own money to buy shoes, clothes, recreation such as football,etc. He did this all while paying child support and never complained. Yet the mother says he could do more. WOW! Everything the child asked for he got until recently. He knew nothing of his dad paying child support. Once the mom found out about the conversation from the son she became livid. She called the father and cursed him out then blocked the number. The father never cursed her or disrespected her during the phone encounter. Here we are three months later the phone is still blocked even after the mother and father talked. The mom said she would unblock the number yet two weeks has gone by and she hasn't gotten around to it! SO SAD!

Moms please understand that you cannot put a price on the presence of a father being in his child's life. The father may not have much money yet he gives time; he teaches your child from a man's point of view and he does it consistently. Please allow him to do just that. If it is truly about that baby you love so much this shouldn't be a problem. We all know that it truly takes a village to raise these kids today. It especially takes a fathers presence; do not rob your child of that opportunity. Believe me your child will grow to learn the truth.

To my fathers that may be experiencing this problem or one similar, Keep on pushing! It is about your child not about the mom. If you guys can't be cordial meet at a family members house or a public place to see your child. Just be the bigger person who is able to see the bigger picture. You may even need to go to court. I hate to say that but it is true.

To the man that gave me the inspiration for this blog entry I SALUTE YOU! Continue on being the dad you know to be no matter what. Good trumps evil any day!

Dealing With Boys Who Have ADHD

This is a topic that is near and dear to me. I have the pleasure of knowing a wonderful six year boy who has been diagnosed with ADHD. It is difficult to watch him struggle from afar so I decided to share some knowledge as well as hope to you the reader.

Due to a variety of cultural forces over the past few decades, many women have had to take on greater responsibility in the raising of their children; sometimes even assuming the role of both mother and father. This model is not ideal for anyone — it asks too much of mothers, diminishes the influence of a loving father, and deprives the child of a role model they sorely need. It is especially not best for boys with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). Boys with ADHD need their dads.

Dads must understand what their child is going through and be patient and supportive. They must understand that their child may not learn as fast as others, however the child can learn through different methods of teaching. It is imperative that the son feels like dad understands and accepts him. If he doesn't feel accepted from dad how can he totally accept himself? Your son needs your approval much as you may have needed your father's approval when you were growing up. Give him what you had or didn't for that matter.

Boys are more likely to have ADHD than girls. Many need medication to help them cope and focus. Parents must consistently shower that child with positive affirmations reassuring him that he can Do It. Whatever that "IT" is he can do it with a little hard work and dedication. Just hearing that from his parents, especially his dad makes a world of difference.
.
The need for father's approval is even more critical when the son with ADHD has poor motor skills. This son might be clumsy and have poor eye-hand coordination. He might not do well in the usual team sports, like baseball, basketball, or soccer. If a boy isn't successful in traditional sports, forming relationships with boys or feeling good about being a boy is hard. They often become loners and have difficulty making friends.
Girls don't necessarily have to share physical activities to bond with other girls — they can make friends and interact through talking. Male bonding does not include talking. Have you ever seen two boys sit and discuss their day? Male bonding is grunting, wrestling, hitting, and playing sports. Boys with ADHD need activities that help them build confidence in their bodies and are healthy outlets for their high energy.

Ask your son how you can help him focus and stay on course. Participate in activities with him. Show him how patient and understanding you are about his condition which in turn will help him reach his goals. I want to stress that I am not saying moms are not important in this process; however an active and understanding dad can make the process of dealing with ADHD smoother for the son and mother. Be encouraged my friends.

7 Facts that Will Help You With Your Child

1. Accept the fact that your child—like all children—is imperfect.

2. Don't believe all the "bad news" about your child. (you know your child better than anyone)

3. Don't overestimate the importance of medication.

4. Make sure you know the difference between discipline and punishment.

5. Never punish a child for behavior that he is unable to control.

6. Pay more attention to your child's positive behavior.

7. Learn to anticipate potentially explosive situations.

Happy Father's Day

To my fathers,
Today is your day. I encourage you to hold your head high and thank God for allowing you to experience the beautiful gift we know as Fatherhood. I, myself ask you to strive to be a better Dad. Society needs Men! Any male can be a father, yet it takes a man to be daddy! Enjoy this day. Spend some time reflecting on life with your children if possible.Tell them how much they mean to you. If that's not possible, thank God for at least giving you the chance to be a part of His "Special Fraternity" called Fatherhood! Happy Father's Day!!!