This blog entry steers clear of what I had planned on writing about this week. Speaking to a gentleman over the weekend I realized I needed to do something on behalf of him and his son. He shared some very alarming issues he is having with the mother of his son. The sad part is, she is using her own selfish desires to make the father suffer which in turn is making the father/son relationship difficult. Before you read on let me share this. This gentleman has not been with the mother since the child was a year old. The boy is 16 now! She has gone on to have multiple children(4) by multiple men(4) and receives child support from three of the four fathers. I guess the fourth will have to pay up soon!
I am all for the child support system IF the father is NOT making any effort to care for his child on a CONSISTENT basis. However many women use the system as a way to get revenge on the man due to their failed relationship. Some even use the court system like a job, meaning they need that check to fund their own lifestyle The child doesn't see the money at all. In this man's particular situation the child sees a few dollars. However the mom doesn't know what she spends and from which father because three payments are direct deposit to a child support debit card. The child has no college fund, no savings account,nothing beneficial to his future.
Now the gentleman I am speaking of contacted my organization fatherhoodmattersinc.com to ask my advice. We spoke for hours about his situation. He even played me their recorded conversation. I was shocked, stunned and appalled by what I heard. The mother of his son BLOCKED the dad's number from their phone so he cannot talk to him. He has no contact with a son he spoke to on a daily basis. The reason for this was because the father broke down and told his 16yr. old son that he didn't have the money to pay for something that he was notified about at the last minute. The father proceeded to tell his son his current financial situation. He explained that throughout the years he has spent his own money to buy shoes, clothes, recreation such as football,etc. He did this all while paying child support and never complained. Yet the mother says he could do more. WOW! Everything the child asked for he got until recently. He knew nothing of his dad paying child support. Once the mom found out about the conversation from the son she became livid. She called the father and cursed him out then blocked the number. The father never cursed her or disrespected her during the phone encounter. Here we are three months later the phone is still blocked even after the mother and father talked. The mom said she would unblock the number yet two weeks has gone by and she hasn't gotten around to it! SO SAD!
Moms please understand that you cannot put a price on the presence of a father being in his child's life. The father may not have much money yet he gives time; he teaches your child from a man's point of view and he does it consistently. Please allow him to do just that. If it is truly about that baby you love so much this shouldn't be a problem. We all know that it truly takes a village to raise these kids today. It especially takes a fathers presence; do not rob your child of that opportunity. Believe me your child will grow to learn the truth.
To my fathers that may be experiencing this problem or one similar, Keep on pushing! It is about your child not about the mom. If you guys can't be cordial meet at a family members house or a public place to see your child. Just be the bigger person who is able to see the bigger picture. You may even need to go to court. I hate to say that but it is true.
To the man that gave me the inspiration for this blog entry I SALUTE YOU! Continue on being the dad you know to be no matter what. Good trumps evil any day!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Dealing With Boys Who Have ADHD
This is a topic that is near and dear to me. I have the pleasure of knowing a wonderful six year boy who has been diagnosed with ADHD. It is difficult to watch him struggle from afar so I decided to share some knowledge as well as hope to you the reader.
Due to a variety of cultural forces over the past few decades, many women have had to take on greater responsibility in the raising of their children; sometimes even assuming the role of both mother and father. This model is not ideal for anyone — it asks too much of mothers, diminishes the influence of a loving father, and deprives the child of a role model they sorely need. It is especially not best for boys with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). Boys with ADHD need their dads.
Dads must understand what their child is going through and be patient and supportive. They must understand that their child may not learn as fast as others, however the child can learn through different methods of teaching. It is imperative that the son feels like dad understands and accepts him. If he doesn't feel accepted from dad how can he totally accept himself? Your son needs your approval much as you may have needed your father's approval when you were growing up. Give him what you had or didn't for that matter.
Boys are more likely to have ADHD than girls. Many need medication to help them cope and focus. Parents must consistently shower that child with positive affirmations reassuring him that he can Do It. Whatever that "IT" is he can do it with a little hard work and dedication. Just hearing that from his parents, especially his dad makes a world of difference.
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The need for father's approval is even more critical when the son with ADHD has poor motor skills. This son might be clumsy and have poor eye-hand coordination. He might not do well in the usual team sports, like baseball, basketball, or soccer. If a boy isn't successful in traditional sports, forming relationships with boys or feeling good about being a boy is hard. They often become loners and have difficulty making friends.
Girls don't necessarily have to share physical activities to bond with other girls — they can make friends and interact through talking. Male bonding does not include talking. Have you ever seen two boys sit and discuss their day? Male bonding is grunting, wrestling, hitting, and playing sports. Boys with ADHD need activities that help them build confidence in their bodies and are healthy outlets for their high energy.
Ask your son how you can help him focus and stay on course. Participate in activities with him. Show him how patient and understanding you are about his condition which in turn will help him reach his goals. I want to stress that I am not saying moms are not important in this process; however an active and understanding dad can make the process of dealing with ADHD smoother for the son and mother. Be encouraged my friends.
Due to a variety of cultural forces over the past few decades, many women have had to take on greater responsibility in the raising of their children; sometimes even assuming the role of both mother and father. This model is not ideal for anyone — it asks too much of mothers, diminishes the influence of a loving father, and deprives the child of a role model they sorely need. It is especially not best for boys with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). Boys with ADHD need their dads.
Dads must understand what their child is going through and be patient and supportive. They must understand that their child may not learn as fast as others, however the child can learn through different methods of teaching. It is imperative that the son feels like dad understands and accepts him. If he doesn't feel accepted from dad how can he totally accept himself? Your son needs your approval much as you may have needed your father's approval when you were growing up. Give him what you had or didn't for that matter.
Boys are more likely to have ADHD than girls. Many need medication to help them cope and focus. Parents must consistently shower that child with positive affirmations reassuring him that he can Do It. Whatever that "IT" is he can do it with a little hard work and dedication. Just hearing that from his parents, especially his dad makes a world of difference.
.
The need for father's approval is even more critical when the son with ADHD has poor motor skills. This son might be clumsy and have poor eye-hand coordination. He might not do well in the usual team sports, like baseball, basketball, or soccer. If a boy isn't successful in traditional sports, forming relationships with boys or feeling good about being a boy is hard. They often become loners and have difficulty making friends.
Girls don't necessarily have to share physical activities to bond with other girls — they can make friends and interact through talking. Male bonding does not include talking. Have you ever seen two boys sit and discuss their day? Male bonding is grunting, wrestling, hitting, and playing sports. Boys with ADHD need activities that help them build confidence in their bodies and are healthy outlets for their high energy.
Ask your son how you can help him focus and stay on course. Participate in activities with him. Show him how patient and understanding you are about his condition which in turn will help him reach his goals. I want to stress that I am not saying moms are not important in this process; however an active and understanding dad can make the process of dealing with ADHD smoother for the son and mother. Be encouraged my friends.
7 Facts that Will Help You With Your Child
1. Accept the fact that your child—like all children—is imperfect.
2. Don't believe all the "bad news" about your child. (you know your child better than anyone)
3. Don't overestimate the importance of medication.
4. Make sure you know the difference between discipline and punishment.
5. Never punish a child for behavior that he is unable to control.
6. Pay more attention to your child's positive behavior.
7. Learn to anticipate potentially explosive situations.
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